SATURDAY, APRIL 19, 2008 - Endorsements

Hi Friends, Rhett and I have been trying to figure out who we're going to vote for in the upcoming primary elections. We know we're voting for Page Vernon for District Court Judge and Barack Obama for president, but we've been pretty confused about the others. Fortunately, our friend has been getting to know all the candidates quite well as a part of her involvement with the Democratic Party, so I asked for her endorsements. This friend is smart, nuanced, politically savvy, and I agree with her on the issues. Hence, I trust her endorsements. I asked her to write them out for me so that I could pass them on to all of you. Here they are. I agree:
U.S. Senate: Kay Hagan vs. Jim Neal - I will be voting for Kay Hagan, but I do have to say that I like Jim Neal a lot. He is openly gay, which I of course support, and I think he would do a really good job. Friends that I really respect and value their opinions are supporting him and working for him. I have also met him and he is just a very warm and genuine person. But there are two big reasons I am voting for Kay Hagan: experience and ability to beat Liddy. Kay has served 5 terms in the NC Senate and served on the Budget Committee. With the economy headed where it is, I really want someone who has this kind of experience. I also think she has the ability to beat Liddy Dole. It will be a tough race, and plenty of people aren't sure if anyone can beat Liddy. But quite frankly, I don't think a man can beat Liddy. Women are winning elections, and I think Liddy would beat a man. I would say that all things being equal, I would vote for a woman to encourage diversity, but with Neal being openly gay, I think that diversity is very important as well. So for me it really boils down to her experience and that I think she can beat Liddy. I also have to say that either Hagan or Neal will be light years better than Liddy. At least both of those candidates care about NC. I think Liddy has been about the most useless senator in recent memory in NC.
Governor:Richard Moore vs. Bev Perdue - This is a tough one for me, but I will be voting for Richard Moore. Quite frankly, I have not been very impressed with Bev Perdue. As you know, my issue is the death penalty. Both Perdue and Moore support the death penalty. Both were on the Council of State last year (Perdue as Lt. Gov, Moore as state treasurer) when they approved changes to the lethal injection protocol after refusing to hear from the inmates' attorneys (Insurance Commission Jim Long was the only person to vote against approving the change in protocol, which means Elaine Marshall, who I LOVE, also voted to approve it). Perdue has said she supports a moratorium. From what I can tell, Moore hasn't been asked that question. I tell you all of this basically to say that while the death penalty is my main issue, I can't vote on that because all of the candidates are pretty bad on it. However, I will say that when asked about the death penalty by the NAACP at a forum, Moore said that while he did support the death penalty in certain cases, it was not implemented fairly in our current system (I give him credit for that answer because the NAACP is incredibly anti-death penalty, and I can't stand it when politicians pander to groups). He has a law degree, was a federal prosecutor for several years, and served as head of the NC Department of Crime Control and Public Safety while in the NC House of Reps. This is a big plus to me because I don't think Perdue really has any experience with the justice system. While I usually don't like former prosecutors being governor because I think there is an inherent conflict of interest, he never prosecuted someone currently on death row so he will never have to decide on clemency for a defendant that he personally prosecuted (as Easley has done several times).
In looking at other issues, I just like Richard Moore a lot better. Perdue's campaign ads attacking Moore have been misleading and exaggerated. And I think Moore has done an amazing job as treasurer. NC has been recognized nationally for what Moore has been able to do in securing pension funds. There has been some controversy recently over whether he invested pension money in groups that have supported his campaign for governor, but most of those accusations have not been proven.
Lt. Governor:Dan Besse, Walter Dalton, Hampton Dellinger, Pat SmathersThis is another tough one. I really, really, like 3 of the 4 candidates. The one I discount quickly is Walter Dalton. I'm not a fan of his. But I think Besse, Dellinger, and Smathers are all really great. I will be voting for Pat Smathers. I've had the opportunity to meet all three of these guys at campaign events around the state. Besse is a longtime friend of my parents'. Smathers' son is also a 3L at UNC Law (Zeb Smathers). So why Smathers? He has been mayor of Canton, NC for a long time. He served in the National Guard, and I think we need Democrats who have served in the military in leadership positions. I think they are the key to defeating Republicans this term. What I really like about Smathers is that he has the experience of working in a community and using the strengths of that community to make it better (not just use a cookie cutter form to make all towns look the same). Part of his platform is taking that type of mentality into the Lt. Gov. position. I also have to say that I have a tendency to pull for the underdogs, and Smathers and Besse are the underdogs. Either one of them would be great, but I think Smathers has a better chance of winning.



Superintendent of Public Instruction:June Atkinson vs. Eddie DavisI'm not sure of this one, but I will probably support June Atkinson. She is running for re-election and I think she's done a good job. I haven't looked into this race in a whole lot of detail, though.


NC Court of Appeals - Wynn Seat: James Wynn. There's not much I need to say here. Judge Wynn is fabulous. He has been on the bench for a very long time, and was on the NC Supreme Court for a few years. He has never been in a primary in his 18 years of being on the bench. This year, 2 complete unknowns are challenging him and forced him into a primary. As Judge Wynn says at events, all you need to run for the Court of Appeals is a law license and the filing fee, and that is all the other 2 have. Judge Wynn should win be a landslide.


Tyson Seat: Kristin Ruth. As you know, these seats are non-partisan. So if more than 2 candidates enter the race, there is a primary to narrow it down to 2. The top 2 then compete in November. Kristin Ruth and Sam Ervin are the democrats challenging John Tyson. Tyson is pretty awful. Kristin is a district court judge in Wake County and has been on the bench for 10 years. I appeared before her numerous times last summer and saw her as very fair. I really like her and she seemed to really respect everyone that came before her, including the defendants. There was also an incident while I was there in the summer when a state trooper lied to her under oath. She found out and charged him with contempt of court. There was almost a hearing over it, but they reached a plea deal just before the hearing was supposed to start. I really respect her for this because she knew she was going to be running for the Court of Appeals and she knew it would cost her some endorsements (which it did, of organizations like the Troopers and other law enforcement). But she did it anyway because it was the right thing to do. I think she's great and will throw my full support behind her.


Insurance Commissioner:Wayne Goodwin vs. David SmithI have to say, I know nothing about this race. I'm going to look into endorsements and see what groups are saying about them.
Labor Commissioner:Robin Anderson, John C. Brooks, Mary Fant Donnan, Ty RichardsonFrom what I know, Cherie Berry (current Labor Commissioner, and a Republican), is going to be incredibly difficult to beat (but really needs to lose because she's terrible). I'm going to see who gets some key endorsements, like the Independent Weekly's endorsement, but as of now I really like Robin Anderson and think she would do a really good job. However, John Brooks has served as Labor Commissioner before, and is now running again, so there's no reason to think he wouldn't be good.


Treasurer:Janet Cowell, Michael Weisel, David YoungI'll be voting for Janet Cowell. She has been in the NC Congress for several years and has the financial background to do a really good job as treasurer. I think she'll be great. I don't know much about David Young, but I saw Cowell appear with Weisel and he was just not impressive at all. I think Cowell will be great.


State Auditor:Fred Aikens vs. Beth A. WoodI've seen both of these candidates appear several times at different events and I really like both of them. I am pretty undecided as to who I am going to vote for at this point. I am leaning towards Fred Aikens, but not sure yet. The Independent Weekly is going to release their endorsements on April 23rd, and I really want to see what they say about this race and who they choose to endorse.
POSTED BY EMILIE BROWN AT 9:56 PM






2 COMMENTS:


Wayne Goodwin said...
Dear Em,


Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your blog! I have one of my own (Wayne's World) and it is both very satisfying and a pleasure to publish for my loyal readers.

In your discussion of the Insurance Commissioner race you mentioned that you did not know anything about either of the two candidates. Well, now you have the direct opportunity to hear from one of those Insurance Commissioner candidates: me (i.e., Wayne Goodwin)!
First, I highly recommend that you visit www.waynegoodwin.org, my campaign website. In addition to reviewing my bio and my platform, and since you stated you were interested in who has endorsed the Insurance Commissioner candidates, please click onto the section of my website dedicated to my endorsements. Even though this is admittedly a partial list, the long list of individuals and groups who have chosen to publicly endorse the Wayne Goodwin campaign is very diverse, broad, and deep.
In fact, I respectfully suggest that my campaign has received the vast majority of known endorsements across the State for Insurance Commissioner.
My endorsements include current Insurance Commissioner Jim Long, former Gov. Jim Hunt, the NC Association of Educators, the NC State AFL-CIO, the Raleigh-Wake Citizens Association, the Black Political Caucus of Charlotte-Mecklenburg, Democracy for America (Asheville chapter), The Durham Committee on the Affairs of Black People, and many, many wonderful community and state leaders.
To the best of my knowledge, my primary election opponent has only received ONE public endorsement, and that is from a group in his home county, a group of which he has either been a member and/or has financially assisted over the years.
Meanwhile, do note the following:
UNLIKE my opponent, I have worked and continue to work in the NC Dept of Insurance. I have served in several roles, most recently and for almost 3 years now, as Assistant Commissioner of Insurance. We need an Insurance Commissioner who truly understands the office from within and without, and not someone who just knows about it very generally and marginally in comparison.




UNLIKE my opponent, I have served in elective office, most notably as a State Representative for 8 years in the NC General Assembly. One needs both a working knowledge of the legislature and relationships with key legislators in order to effectuate positive legislation regarding insurance, especially health insurance accessibility and affordability.




UNLIKE my opponent, I have been endorsed by the current Insurance Commissioner, Jim Long, the legendary state leader who has been at the helm for 24 years.




And, UNLIKE my opponent, I do NOT work FOR the insurance industry. My opponent is a longterm employee of and/or advocate of the insurance industry. (He tries to claim otherwise, but the truth is what I rest my case upon.) In fact, my opponent is right now President-elect of the NC Health Insurance Underwriters Association.




If you have any questions about me or my campaign or about the Department, then please feel free to email me directly, using the email address on the home page of my website.




I personally ask for your vote for Insurance Commissioner, and would be most honored to have your personal endorsement. After all, the only true endorsements that matter in the long run are those that individual voters provide at the polls.




Thank you for your consideration!




Sincerely,
WAYNE GOODWIN
Democratic Party candidate for
NC Insurance Commissioner
www.waynegoodwin.org
APRIL 20, 2008 7:18 PM


Em said...
I must say, that was astounding. Yes, that's quite the argument. I think I'll vote for Wayne Goodwin for Insurance Commissioner.
APRIL 20, 2008 8:13 PM




And, on an unrelated note, here are a couple photos of Daniel I took today:  

Visit to the pediatrician - WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16, 2008

We took Daniel to the pediatrician yesterday.


Length: 23 inches - 85th percentile
Head Circumference - 16.5 inches - 85th percentile
Weight - 15lbs, 5oz - OVER 100th percentile!!




I had really been freaked out about this particular appointment because we've been thinking a lot about vaccines and what we did/did not feel good about for our son. At first, we took what we thought was a pretty moderate position. We wanted to get Daniel all the usual vaccines, but we wanted to get them spaced out more than they are normally spaced out, and we wanted to get them when Daniel was a little older. This seemed like the best designed approach for him because we are not putting Daniel in daycare so it seemed to us that his exposure to any of the diseases for which they vaccinate would likely be quite unlikely.




However, Rhett and I realized a couple of weeks ago that actually, we aren't able to keep Daniel's exposure risk as low as we initially wanted it to be. We have both returned to work, and while we often work from home, we also attend meetings at various social service agencies and at our own offices in Durham and Pittsboro, and Daniel sometimes comes with us to these things. We need to be able to bring him with us because if we didn't, we'd have to hire commercial childcare, and that's neither in our parenting philosophy nor budget right now. So, we had to reassess our risk. When Rhett worked at DSS he worked with the same population with which we are both working now, and he found that without exception, the kids were behind on vaccines. They also often came from families with poor hygiene and frequent illness. We concluded that in order to protect our son from the diseases to which he is actually likely to be exposed, we needed to get some vaccines. 




We discussed our fears with a WONDERFUL pediatrician who isn't Daniel's doctor only because he works about 1 hr. away, and we settled on the vaccines for his 9 weeks well-baby check. I can't remember which ones they were, but they were the basics. We just opted out of the optional ones. There were three injections, which they gave all at once. I had dosed up the Daniel with Infant Tylenol before the shots and also gave him a glucose solution in a bottle a few minutes before. He handled the shots way better than I thought he would, and was clearly over it about 2 minutes after they were over. Geez. I'm glad that's over. It was really scary because even though I understand that the vaccines/autism link is questionable, I prefer to err on the side of avoidance. But this time, avoidance couldn't mean avoidance of risk. So hard. I guess this is the way it will always be. So hard, so hard.


1 COMMENTS:
Anna said...
I was so glad you returned to blogging about the PunkieFamily!!!
APRIL 18, 2008 3:32 PM

TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 2008 Turning our attention toward Daniel's interests (as best we can)

We've tried to be attentive to Daniel's development throughout our time caring for him (even during pregnancy), and we've now begun to turn our minds toward exposing Daniel to the sorts of things that will nourish him throughout his adulthood. That takes a couple of forms. We've started doing The Daily Office from The Book of Common Prayer so that as he grows up, the spiritual tradition which nourishes us and into which he will be raised will not seem unapproachable to him. Likewise, we've been reading to him more and more. Reading to Daniel is turning out to be a lot of fun. We've been reading our own books out loud to him, as well as reading him the stories out of his Children's Bible, The Runaway Bunny, The Little Engine that Could, Welcome to Outer Space, Fuzzy Fuzzy Fuzzy, and several others.


I'm reading a book called Baby Read-Aloud Basics: Fun and Interactive Ways to Help Your Little One Discover the World of Words by Caroline J. Blakemore and Barbara Weston Ramirez. I'm reading it because I really want to read to Daniel in a way that helps him to ENJOY reading. I tend to think kids learn what they want to learn; I certainly did. And they may learn the things they don't want to learn, too, but they don't love it, and when it becomes voluntary, they don't do it. I grew up reading, but I didn't carry that into my adulthood as much as I wish I had. Books, of course, are the key to learning almost anything else a person wants to learn, so I'm hoping we can make this reading thing unintimidating and fun for Daniel.


Daniel really enjoys it when we emphasize interactive reading. That's not my strength, really. The experts say it's good to embellish the text and to freely augment the language on the page, but I am naturally inclined to read the words on the page. I'm also not prone to using silly voices, or as the experts say, parentese. I tend to speak to Daniel as if he understands exactly what I'm saying, and I tend to read to him in a matter of fact tone. But I'm working on that. I've read that the goofy voices are good for him, and he definitely prefers them. So, I try. Rhett's great at this, though!


One of the most rewarding things that we share with Daniel continues to be our church community. The church we've chosen in which to raise our child is one which has nourished me and Rhett since our courtship, and I love being able to set Daniel in the arms of any of the wonderful people with whom we worship each Sunday and knowing that he's with someone safe, loving, and kind.
There are some things we don't yet have ways to offer Daniel, and that we want to be able to offer him. Chief among these is that neither Rhett nor I speak Spanish, and we really wish that we could enable our son to grow up bilingual. It's already pretty difficult to work as a social worker if you don't speak Spanish, and I think that's rapidly becoming the case in many professions. Besides, it's just crummy that America has done such a lousy job of welcoming the influences of other nations. It's really not okay for any of us to speak only one language. I don't know how we can offer him Spanish, though. I hope we can figure that out.)

THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2008 Back to work

Rhett and I started our new jobs today. We had realized that Rhett's job at DSS was just not a job he could keep and still be a parent. He had dangerous clients who had threatened his life and even tracked down where we live, and that scared me. Also, in the two years he has worked there, Rhett has worked between 60-80 hours each week, gained a lot of weight (from eating on the go, not having time for exercise, and getting too little sleep), and gotten quite burned out. We wanted him to be an active presence in the life of our child, so DSS had to go.

In order for him to leave DSS, we really both needed to start making an income. I've been in law school full time since we were married, and we've done a great job of living frugally on just one, social work (small) salary. But babies are expensive and we'd like to let go of some of our money worries, so I decided to join him in work as an in-home family therapist with a wonderful agency called "Carolina Outreach." In this job, we work from home and we set our own schedules. We'll each be responsible for billing 25 hours a week, which we can easily do by staggering which one of us works, and which of us stays with the baby. That was the goal: no daycare! 


We did need to find some care for Daniel this week, though, since both Rhett and I had to go to training. We've been going to training each day this week, and I can't speak highly enough for this agency. There just aren't very many social work jobs that are invested in helping employees have healthy, happy family lives, but they are absolutely bending over backwards to make our transition into work go as smoothly as possible. There's a meeting next week that both Rhett and I need to go to, and we won't have childcare lined up for it, so they said to just bring Daniel along.


I admit, I've been a little nervous about returning to work, but I went out on a visit to shadow one of the other therapists last night, and all of my remaining jitters went away. While visiting with the family, I remembered the feelings of confidence and fulfillment that I used to have doing mitigation. It's been such a long time since I've felt that way. Law school had really stripped me of that. This is so clearly where my natural gifts lie. I may still choose to use the law degree at some point, but this feeling of being in the right place is really precious for now. I have also been surprised that as C.O. makes it more and more clear that they understand that Rhett's and my first priority is, and is RiGHTLY the care of our child, I feel more and more okay about it when we have needed to leave Daniel with my sister each morning in order to go to training. Knowing that C.O. cares about us enough to ensure that we are able to give Daniel the care he deserves makes it easier to make space for fulfilling work.
POSTED BY EMILIE BROWN AT 7:36 AM

We figured out that that Daniel likes his play gym last week when Grandma was visiting. I'd been a little confused by the play gym before that because I thought you were supposed to just put the baby under it and then he would take it from there. But not so! Grandma put him under it, and then began gently wiggling the arcs over the baby, so that the toys suspended from the arcs began to bounce around, and the rattles on the gym made rattling noises. Daniel was enthralled, and stared, smiled, and cooed for stretches of about ten minutes at a time.

So, yesterday, I learned how to step it up a little, and the wonderful world of playing with babies is open to me now! I've been reading this really cool book called Baby Minds: Brain-Building Games Your Baby Will Love by Linda Acredolo and Susan Goodwyn,  and on Tuesday night I discovered games that the Daniel can actually play along with, at the ripe old age of TWO MONTHS! I put Daniel under his play gym, and then waited. I didn't wiggle the arcs. Then, when he kicked his feet, I wiggled the arcs. When his foot stopped moving, I stopped wiggling. I wondered if he'd figure it out. (The book said he would, and that it would be great fun for him.) The baby in Baby Minds took about five minutes to figure out the game the mom had set up for her, but little Daniel only needed about 40 seconds. He wrinkled his brow, looked ponderously at the arcs, and then began to kick his feet. First he tried one foot, then the other, then both together, and soon he was having a merry ole' time. He looked with perfect concentration at the toys bouncing over him, occasionally paused to see them stop moving, and when they did, began his kicking again. It was marvelous! We continued the game for about 15 minutes, till his eyes started to droop. Then, last night I thought I'd see if this had been real (a two month old doing problem solving). I put him back under the play gym, but this time, I thought I'd change the rules. This time, I only wiggled the arcs when he kicked his right foot. Sure enough, he tested each foot individually, then together, and only when the right foot was moving did I wiggle the arcs. When the arcs didn't move for his left foot, he stuck out his tongue and looked perplexed, and even a little annoyed, then we were off to the races. He tried his right foot once (wiggle), then again (wiggle), and you could seek the expression in his eyes, "Eureka! I've figured it out!" And so he played. He did the right foot slow, then fast, then both feet together, all getting wiggles. I wiggled it fast when he kicked fast, and slow when he kicked slow. He was having a ball! Then I goofed a little. I thought I might try changing the rules again when he had figured out the game. I thought he would enjoy solving the new puzzle. So, I stopped wiggling the arcs for his right foot, and waited for him to try his left. I thought he would, but he didn't! Instead, he kept trying his right foot over and over, and after about 20 seconds of trying his right foot and it not working, he got mad! His little lip stuck out and his eyes looked tragic, and he let out this pitiful wail he makes when he's mad. He has hungry cries, wet cries, sleepy cries, and gassy cries: all distinguishable from each other. Then, there's the "no fair!" cry. We don't hear that one a lot, but he definitely wanted those little toys to dance when he kicked that right foot. There he'd been under his play gym, master of all he surveyed, literally! Then I'd stripped him of his power. No wonder he was mad. Mean Mommy! So I picked him up and comforted him, then put him back under the play gym, resolved to wiggle the arcs for any kick of any kind because he clearly wasn't happy. No dice. Then, Aunt Katie, who is visiting for the week (while Rhett and I train for our new jobs) picked up the Daniel's left foot and wiggled the arcs. He stopped crying. His eyes widened and he looked at the arcs, and Kick! went his left foot. Kick! Again, the left foot. He'd figured it out! Off to the races again. It was splendid. Baby can play!

SATURDAY, APRIL 5, 2008 Took at Trip to Bishopville

 Tuesday through Thursday Rhett and I took Daniel to Bishopville to meet his extended family on the Brown side. It was in some ways very stressful, in some ways really wonderful, and in all ways, very instructive to us. We hadn't had our sweet boy in the car for long prior to Tuesday, and we were pleased to learn that he likes the car just fine.   We stopped a few times to change him and hold him, so as to make the trip as low stress as possible.

Then, when we got to SC, relatives came.  First came Rhett's cousin Laura, whom I like a lot and regularly correspond with. I had forgotten the pack-n-play that B & J loaned us, so Laura brought us theirs. She gave it to us! I tried to pay her for it but she wouldn’t let me!! What a generous gift!!!

Then came Rhett's aunt and great aunt. Around the time they all arrived, Daniel got gassy and started to cry. He was completely inconsolable for hours. I felt so bad for him! But I got some great tips on gas treatment for little ones from all the wonderful experienced moms. (L has a four year old, and Rhett’s aunt and great aunt both have grown children). Laura suggested Levsin Drops, which are prescription only, but are miracle workers for baby gas. Rhett’s aunt and great aunt both swear by giving babies a little bit of water with a pinch of baking soda. That becomes like a little baby version of Alka-Seltzer. It’s a great tip, but unfortunately, it didn’t help him that night. I think it was just too big a day and he was just too tired. Rhett's dad, GB, is a member of the House of Representatives and he wanted to introduce Daniel on the floor of the House. We almost refused because the previous evening had been so hard for him, but sleep does a body good; especially a very young body, and Daniel seemed so happy Wednesday morning that we took him. He did GREAT! He smiled and cooed like a little junior politician. He slept through his introduction, and the accompanying standing ovation. GB cried as he introduced his grandson. It was precious.

 We had a lot of fun, but were all ready for our afternoon nap once we left Columbia.

The final piece of the trip was introducing Daniel to his uncle, C. We had planned to meet C at Pizza Hut on Tuesday night but he had been busy all week and forgot, so we met him Wednesday night at Zaxby’s instead. It was good to catch up with C and to introduce him to his nephew. The rest of the trip was pretty low key. We just hung out at the house with GB and Lorie (Rhett’s mother) and let them bond with their grandson.

Thursday afternoon we headed home happy. Our little boy has met more of his family and been initiated into his most Southern heritage.

2 COMMENTS:

Mya said...

Welcome back to the blogosphere :)

APRIL 6, 2008 1:53 PM

Grace said...

The story about GB introducing Daniel to the assembly is making me tear up. How wonderful. :-)

APRIL 14, 2008 3:07 PM

MONDAY, MARCH 31, 2008 A Joyous and Solemn Occasion Post by Rhett

"Dear Friends, The birth of a child is a joyous and solemn occasion in the life of family. It is also an occasion for rejoicing in the Christian community. I bid you, therefore, to join Emilie and Rhett in giving thanks to Almighty God our heavenly Father, the Lord of all life, for the gift of Daniel to be their son."


Our Priest, Lisa, blessed our family with these words from the Book of Common Prayer last Sunday at ECOTA. Lisa previously spoke these words at UNC Hospital, only hours after Daniel's birth. They were helpful in getting through those first few sleepless nights of learning to be a dad. However, the words took on greater meaning in our spiritual community.




It's certainly true that our Daniel is a great blessing to us, perhaps the greatest blessing our our lives. He has changed our lives forever. Never again will we live solely for ourselves. Daniel's need for us, and our need for him, reminds us that life is only worth living when its goal is giving and receiving love. We will spend the rest of our lives, giving Daniel our love, and accepting his offers of love. Even as we are connected to him, even as he is from us, he is greater than the sum of his parts. Because we love him, and because we desire connection with him, we must be willing to honor and bless his unique and special identity; an identity that will emerge slowly over the course of his life.


In this way, we are profoundly connected to the experience of God, whose internal life has been described by the relationship between a parent and child. I write these words with some caution, because neither PM nor I have God's full perspective. We can only guess at the God experience, and any attempt to compare it to our own is as Karl Barth once said "baby talk."


Em and I are fallible, finite human beings. We love our son very much. We pray and hope for only the best for our relationship with him. We will make mistakes, and by grace, we will learn from them.


It is an awareness of our finitude that makes the BCM blessing all the more powerful when spoken in our community of faith. Yesterday, the community made a preliminary statement of support that will be fully embodied in Daniel's baptism. Everyone there, young and old, single and partnered, those who have biological children and those who serve as spiritual parents and mentors said, "we're in this with you. Parenting is joyful, it is solemn. It is lovely. It is messy. We're thankful to be in this lovely mess with you." Parenting is a lovely mess. I'm reminded of this everytime PM and I get excited about poops and spit-ups, and every time I hear other parents talking with excitement about the beauty and wonder of their life as parents.


This is profoundly good news. It's good news because it means that Em and I are never alone in our care for Daniel. When Daniel smiles and laughs with us after feedings, the community's prayers are with us. When Daniel screams at the top of his lungs with the occasional colic, the community of those who have shared this experience in the past are with us. As we take this journey with Daniel, there are experiences, both joyful and solemn, that we will share with him. I don't know the specifics of what they will be, but I do know that our church community will share them with us.


For many years, when facing a situation that causes me to feel anxiety and/or fear, I have imagined that my closest friends are present with me. For example, when testifying in a contentious court case, or attempting to address a difficult conflict at work, or in engaging a grueling paper work task, I have imagined that those closest to me are sharing the experience with me, offering me their support, helping me get through it.


On Sunday at ECOTA, Em and I were reminded that as parents, we have God's blessing. God will be incarnate through our closest friends, with whom we share community, with whom we share the joyous and solemn occasion of parenting.


1 COMMENTS:
Grace said...
It looks like Buck is about to eat the Daniel! :-D

I started this blog during my pregnancy with Daniel. Its purpose was to document my thoughts/feelings/experiences for the child having them with me from the womb. I tried to start another blog – separate from the pregnancy and found that just didn't work. That Daniel I knew before his birth and the Daniel I know now are so clearly the same person; I can't wrap my head around separating them... especially since this blog's primary purpose is to document for Daniel all of that which he may one day want to know in order to make sense of, expand on, write/think about, share more of who he is. I've begun consolidating the entries from the ill-fated post-pregnancy blog and posting them here. Blogging post-pregnancy is a lot harder than blogging pre-pregnancy, so entries have been spotty. Sometimes because we were enjoying ourselves to much to pause and document; sometimes because we were overwhelmed by life and its ever-unfolding story. These days, I find myself wanting and able to write more, so here I am, in the fervent hope of resuming the story our our family's shared life.

THURSDAY, MARCH 27, 2008 - The Quest to Get Back into Pre-Pregnancy Clothes

I gained a bunch of weight during pregnancy and I can’t get into my clothes. This is not a vanity issue; it’s an economic consideration. I refuse to buy all new clothes. So, it’s time to get my weight back to something close to what it was pre-pregnancy. Before pregnancy I weighed 113 but that was a little thinner than I want to maintain, so I’ve set a goal. I’m at 141.6 now and I’m going to get back down to 120lbs, then reevaluate. Rhett gained sympathy weight during the pregnancy. He got up to 232, and he’s decided to get back down to his pre-DSS weight of 200lbs. We’re a great team so I have faith that we’ll be able to do this together. 


Defining the approach is the first task for anyone when they undertake to lose weight. “Just eat right and exercise” is what some would say (and likely, will say), but for me it’s just not that simple. You see, I am EXTREMELY finicky. I don’t like foods that touch each other (with a few select exceptions); I don’t like vegetables (with a VERY few exceptions); I don’t like foods that smell strange, look strange, or have strange sounding names. And when I say “don’t like,” I mean that I have a post-traumatic stress-like reaction when I try to eat them. I gag, choke, and might even cry. 




I tried to force myself to “eat right” for the first 25 years of my life. The result was that I felt awful about myself for failing, didn’t eat enough of the healthy stuff and then ate gobs and gobs of junk food because I was so freaking hungry from my attempts at “will power.” I also weighed more than I wanted to. At 5’3, a good weight for me is probably about 120. Between ages 12 and 25 I tended to oscillate between 128 and 135. I went to countless nutritionists, several shrinks, an occupational therapist, and a hypnotist. All failed. 




Finally, I gave up. I decided that I was going to leave myself alone and eat whatever I felt like whenever I felt like it. I got rid of my scale and my exercise bike. Nothing in my space reminded me of something that I “should” be doing or eating or not eating. I felt an enormous weight lifted off of me. My emotional attachment to food disappeared and my fears about food were lessened. I became interested in cooking for the sake of enjoyment and chose recipes based not on their nutritional value, but on the probability that I would enjoy them. When people invited me to dinner I accepted but when they served things I was nervous about I just told people without shame that I am permanently weird when it comes to food, and I trusted them to love me anyway (they did!). I even started trying foods I would previously have been afraid to try because I had given myself permission not to eat any more if I didn’t like them. I even like asparagus and tomatoes now, if prepared right or in the right recipe.




All of this was complicated by the fact that prior to giving up on my weight and my corresponding desire to eat what the world calls “healthy,” I was competing in the Miss America Organization (I know, I know; it was a bizarre time and I certainly wouldn’t anyone else to do it, but that’s a different story for a different day, and I trust you not to judge me unless you know the whole story). The MAO, as you know, had a “physical fitness” competition, aka “swimsuit” competition. At 5’3 and on the curvy side, that wasn’t an easy area for me. I worked with a trainer who sought to reduce my body fat by having me do absurd amounts of low-impact cardio. One summer I did some kind of low-intensity cardio for 85 minutes per day. I enjoyed the exercise, but the fact that it was “expected” of me meant that as soon as the state pageant was over, I returned to the couch. I never got under 128.




After I surrendered to my idiosyncratic eating desires and an utterly sedentary lifestyle, the strangest thing happened. I lost about 15lbs - down to 113. I certainly wasn’t looking for that result. In fact, I didn’t even know about it because I’d gotten rid of the scale. I didn’t find out till our preconception counseling doctor’s appointment. 




I have stubbornly refused to adhere to any food expectations or to judge my appetite, even throughout pregnancy as I watched my weight climb to 175. But as I said above, it’s time to get my weight back to something close to what it was pre-pregnancy because I’m not willing to replace my entire pre-pregnancy wardrobe. So how do I go about losing weight. Yikes. I don’t know!! So I’ve decided on a few things that I’m willing to do, and if they don’t seem to be working in a couple of weeks, I’ll revisit this. Here are my goals:




(1) Drink 8, 8oz glasses of water per day. Don’t drink anything other than water until I’ve had all the water.
(2) Don’t drink more than one Sprite per day.
(3) Do some form of low intensity cardio for 40 minutes per day, four days per week.
(4) Eat a bowl of cheerios before 10am each day.




Rhett is a little more zealous than I am. He’s already walking/running 5 miles per day, every day. He’s also reduced his carbs and sugar intake and is eating more fruits and veggies. Go Rhett! I don’t want to do that much. But starting tonight I’m going to try to meet the above four goals and I hope they help. In the meantime, I’m going to go to the thrift store and pick up just a few things to tide me over as I prepare to go to the State House in Columbia, SC next week and to begin work the following week. I can’t expect myself to fit into much of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe before then.




4 COMMENTS:
Grace said...
What are some examples of low-impact cardio? I'm interested!




Em said...
Low-impact cardio: Cleaning the house vigorously enough to get the heartrate up a bit; walking a little fast; walking a normal pace up hill or while carrying a big baby; etc.




MisTrish said...
I am a new mommie (11 mos in to it) I went from 130 to 180 during pregnancy. and gained 8 more lbs after. i just started my 30 min walking, 8 glass water, smaller portion diet today. i'm looking 2 lose 50 lbs. but i know this will take time and i will do what i need 2 do. I would like 2 know how you've progressed since last year and i will keep you up to date on my progress. Like u i refuse to by a post preg wardrobe! wish me luck!!!




mrsdixon247 said...
HI I JUST READ YOUR BLOG AND IT WAS REALLY ENCOURAGING IVE BEEN REALLY DOWN ABOUT MY WEIGHT THIS PAST WEEK, I HAVE A NEW BORN WHO IS ALMOST TWO MONTHS OLD AND I NEED MY BODY BACK SO TOMORROW I WILL START MY WATER AND MY CARDIO WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!

Resuming the Chronicals - 3/26/2008

The PunkieKid will be 7 weeks old tomorrow and I miss blogging. And very flatteringly, several of you have told me and Rhett that you miss reading about our happenings. So, here we begin. I have several posts in my head and will try to get them all written out and posted in the next several days. Read as you can, and post comments when you can. It always makes us happy to hear the thoughts, advice and support of friends.

Reflections on Gratitude

I'm grateful, but not just grateful in a generalized way. This week, I'm grateful for the particulars of my life. Those who know me well can attest that I often tell anyone who will listen that I am "the luckiest man alive." I say this because of my wife. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. That always true, generally speaking. But after being sick, and I mean really sick, for six days last week, I am grateful for Em in a more particular way. Here's why I'm so grateful.

When I came home from work ten days ago, aching all over, burning up with fever, and clueless as to what was wrong with me, Em took action. She took my temperature, and gave me Tylenol. She consulted Web MD. She consulted with the CVS pharmacist, called the UNC Healthline, and drove me to the ER (all while setting up childcare for our son). She sat with me in the ER, facing her significant fear of needles, as various medical personel poked and stuck me for hours on end.

When I went home, and got worse, she took me back to the ER, and stayed with me until admitted to the hospital. Upon discharge, she assumed (with the help of friends) all childcare responsibilities while I recovered.

Yes, dear friends, I am the luckiest man alive. I am married to the love of my life, who was there for me this week "in sickness" just as she has been "in health."

PunkieFamily Signing Off

I wrote this - intending to end the blog - but it I wanted to write on it so much during later months and years, you'll see that this was not, in fact, the end of the blog.

Dear Daniel,
This is my last post on behalf of your PunkieFamily in waiting. Today marks the end of your first month in the world, and it’s long overdue for me to close this blog. I started it because I wanted to record your father’s and my path of making your path ready. I’ve done my best to keep a these memories; and your dad has chimed in some too. But now the getting ready is over and it’s time for us to get on with the parenting. I can’t say whether we were as ready as we thought we were or could have been, but over all, I think we’ve done just fine. Your dad and I are at the very beginning of a long and in many ways, still unfathomable journey. I look forward to sharing it with you and your dad, and with the many wonderful people who have helped us to prepare ourselves for you.
Love, Mom

Who am I?

Daniel,
Do you wonder who your mother is? Probably not. That's a pretty abstract thought, and you might be precocious but I doubt you're concerned with this. Anyway, I'm kind of fascinated. A year ago I'd have said I'm a student, a social activist, a friend, a wife, a hobbiest, and if I'd thought long on the topic, I might have come up with other things. To this I would now add the following:

• I am a spit rag. (My shirt is much more convenient when the fluids are coming fast).
• I am a chef. (The pediatrician discusses the many choices there are, even w/r/t infant formula feeding. The decisions are ours to make).
• I am a journalist. (I am still trying to record your life story for documentary purposes).
• I'm a night-watchperson. (I still check on you a lot before you go to sleep, which is still very late at night, but we're working on that).
• I'm a photographer. (I'm still trying to fill up a camera for my mother, and my mother just mailed us a new digital camera so that she can be sure to watch your growth via photos.
• I'm a percussionist. (I play your back in search of the elusive belch).
• I'm a laundress. (I wash LOTS of laundry; but your father washes more).
• I am a reporter. (I keep your grandparents abreast of developments; e.g., we saw the pediatrician today; he says you are physically strong, weight gain is on track, and that much to my surprise he thinks your eyes are going to be brown.)
• I'm a doting idiot. (I say stupid things in stupid voices). I won't apologize for that; I blame the fact that I'm so totally in love with you).

Many big kisses,
Your mom

What to do on dreary days?

According to my weekly e-mail update, “Many moms (and dads, by the way, though the e-mail seems not to recognize this) start to feel lonely and isolated at this point. Your partner may be back at work (mine is not, thank-you Bill Clinton for FMLA and thank-you PunkiePapa, for being liberated and brave), your own mom may have gone home (mine has), and your most frequent guest may be the pizza-delivery guy (occasional, but not often, thanks to the lovely meals that friends have brought to us). Meanwhile, the constant tick-tick-tick of your baby's feeding schedule may have you feeling tethered to your rocking chair (yep!).”

So here we are. A change of scene would be lovely, but it’s flu season and we really don’t want to take Daniel anywhere that he might be exposed to the flu, or, as a nurse mentioned the other day, to “The Chatham County Crud,” which is also going around. Going outside would also be very nice, but it’s freezing out; not a good idea for a brand new baby. So, what to do to keep from losing my mind and to still be connected to the outside world? As I finish this entry, it's 57 degrees outside and beautiful; but when I started it, it was 29 degrees outside and gross. Here is my list of things you can still do with a perplexingly fussy baby in your arms when it’s 29 degrees outside. This list is not complete. More ideas are welcome; nay, requested!
1. Read other people’s blogs. Keep blogging, buddies.
2. Listen to books on CD/Tape/Computer
3. Remember all the cd’s you’ve forgotten you had and that you really liked once-upon-a-time.
4. Watch all the stuff saved up on the DVR that you meant to watch at some point but never did.
5. Do bicep, tricep, and pectoral work by lifting the baby in various ways. (If Daniel gains any more weight, I have to stop this because for another 3 weeks, my doctor is very firm on the not lifting anything heavier than 10lbs thing, even if the 10+lbs thing is Daniel).
6. Type one-handed, probably-typo-filled blog entries.
7. Call whomever you owe a phone call. Grandmothers, are an especially good choice.
8. Read parenting magazines (they don’t require two hands to support them, as most books do). They are cluttering up the apartment and aren’t worth keeping around. They generally have only a few useful items (the latest recalls and a coupon for ear medicine, for instance). Once skimmed, they can be recycled without guilt.
9. If the baby is willing to hang out in the sling, prepare dinner and invite friends over (provided that they don't have the Chatham crud or the flu).
Hugs, Mom

Adding a new trick to my bag: faking it when all else fails.

It's funny how feeling competent seemed to play into my morning with Daniel today. In the last couple of days Daniel has been awake and alert more, which is GREAT, but he's also fussier than he's been to date. Thank goodness, I get a weekly e-mail called "ages and stages" from Parenting magazine that tells me what to expect when he's a week old, two weeks old, three weeks old, etc. This week's e-mail warned us that this would be a fussier week than we've had thus far. Knowing that this is normal is hugely comforting because if it's normal, it means we're doing a fine job of parenting thus far. At least, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. That's important because I'm learning that this kid and I are still connected in a funny, important way. That is: if I can convince myself that I'm equipped and capable for the task of caring for this precious little being, not only do I feel better, but he does! He knows! So I'm trying something new.

Ever since I was in middle school, I've felt strong and confident and happy and exhilerated when I sing along with cd's of people singing songs I know and like, and who sing way better than I do. This morning, as with most mornings lately, Daniel has seemed really unhappy. It's none of the usual culprits and it can be pretty disheartening to try and try everything that's ever helped and find it not working. So today I held Daniel close in a soft, warm blanket, turned on some Audra McDonald and danced around (badly) and sang along (badly). I should add, merely playing that cd worked yesterday, but today not at all. While singing, I felt good despite the fussiness; and lo-and-behold, slowly but very surely so did he. It's an awful feeling to know that something is hurting Daniel, but the consolation is that it's a wonderful feeling to be holding him and to feel like I've been a part of healing whatever was tormenting him.

It is 3am, and

Baby is sleeping, Mommie is awake. WHY???

Things to try to soothe a perplexingly fussy baby when it’s 29 degrees outside.

According to the PARENTING e-mail I get each week, this week “your baby's more alert between feedings and absorbing more stimuli now, so perhaps he's becoming more vocal. (Yep!) If this is the case, your sleep and your patience may be taxed. (Yep!) This week's newsletter talks about quieting and comforting your baby and offers strategies for surviving colic. Whether or not you have "a crier," your baby's wailing starts to intensify around this time. (Yep!) Aside from feeding him, changing him, and keeping him warm and comfortable, what can you do?” The e-mail then provided a bunch of links that should theoretically answer this question, but strangely, none of the links works. So, here’s my own list.

Things to try to soothe a perplexingly fussy baby when it’s 29 degrees outside.
1. Is it the diaper?
2. Is he hungry? (No, he can’t possibly be.) Are you sure?
3. Everything it says in “The happiest baby on the block.” That is: swaddle, swing, shush, side-hold, and provide a finger or pacifier for sucking.
4. Take 2 Excedrin Migraine. This will (a) stave off the possible migraine and (b) provide needed caffeine energy for all other efforts and projects.
5. Cry a little if necessary, but don’t get worked up. Crying won’t kill him or scar him permanently, but getting worked up will definitely make it harder for him to stop crying.
6. Empathize with him out loud. Today, my monologue has gone something like this: “Yes, I know; it’s such a big world out here. It’s so, so big. So much has changed so quickly. It’s okay; cry it all out. I understand. I’d be crying too if I’d just gotten pried out of my warm, safe, comfortable home. But it’s going to be okay because your dad and I love you so, so much and whatever you need we will make sure you have. I know it’s hard right now because we’re just learning how to understand your needs, but you’re doing a great job of teaching us what you need. So you go right ahead and cry; and as you do I’m going to keep trying to figure out what you need. So don’t give up on me. You go right on crying ‘til I get it right.” I know that might sound strange, but by encouraging him to go right on and cry, I really save myself from that awful feeling of incompetence; that frustrated “Just PLEASE stop crying” feeling that doesn’t get us any closer to a solution.
7. Turn on whatever cd or other music you listened to a lot during pregnancy. It really doesn’t seem to matter what that it is. For me and Daniel, our number one pick is Audra McDonald’s “Way Back to Paradise,” with a tie for second place between Lyle Lovett’s “Joshua Judges Ruth” and Gordon Lightfoot’s “A Painter Passing Through”
8. There will be more revelations to fill in #8… and 9, 10, etc… So, till then… Don’t stop trying. Eventually the crying will stop, and as Hillary says, the clouds will part, celestial choirs will sing, and we’ll all know and do what’s right. The baby will love again! Or, he'll fall asleep.

I love bathtime!

Since the doctor's appointment the other day, I'm cleared to take regular baths (as opposed to showers, which I abhor), and my new favorite thing to do with you is bathtime. We have a baby bathtub. It's sort of fancy, with its own little drain and it folds up for convenient storage (which is a nice idea but doesn't work, so it is hanging up on the wall), and it's baby sized; but even a baby sized bathtub is a pretty big bathtub for a newborn, and we've only used it once. When we did use it, you absolutely HATED it, and I don't blame you! I hated it too. Your dad and I were all hunched over, trying to keep you upright with only our hands. It was kind of scary for us! But that's all over now. Last night, I took you into the bathtub with me and had you up to your chest in warm water. You loved it and made all kinds of cherubic faces and sounds; and me, well, I fell even deeper in love. I even did the unthinkable. I had your dad take your picture. Yes, yes, I'm generally opposed to full-frontal naked baby photos. I know that they haunt children as grown ups. I'm particularly reminded by the fully naked photo of your dad that your grandfather (GB) brought to our rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding (God only knows why) and showing around to every person there. I tell myself I'm not that bad because we gave you a little fig leaf protection with a washcloth. Why did I insist on that photo? I've clearly been bitten by whatever delusion it is that prompts other parents to photograph their naked children. Well, whatever. It was really, really sweet. I don't care what I thought before I was a mom.

Feeling a little blue today

I've been a little down the last couple of days, and I'm not really sure why. I strongly suspect it's hormonal; but also, Rhett, Daniel and I went to my OB who said in addition to the fact that I look great, that she thinks I won't need a c-section next time because I won't have as big a baby because I won't gain as much weight. My doctor clearly didn't mean for me to feel down on myself when she made this statement; Rhett didn't hear the statement in the way that I did (and he's usually pretty sensitive to when other people have said things that might hurt my feelings). The doctor simply said it's just hard to know what to eat during a first pregnancy, and assumes that I won't gain as much next time. I don't know, but she could be right!

But regardless of whether it's true or not, this hits on my biggest button - that maybe I haven't been a good steward of Daniel's life in some important ways. I worked pretty hard not to let myself feel bad about the c-section and specifically, not to blame myself. Calling upon my rational mind, I realize that this is just stupid. I'm the one who didn't want the c-section. He doesn't know that he was deprived of a vaginal delivery, and even if he does, I'm hearing more and more arguments (from credible medical people) that even though there are a lot of unnecessary c-sections performed, there are also a lot of babies born vaginally who probably shouldn't be. As one example, we took Daniel to have an MRI the other day (he's fine - he was just participating in an advanced brain imaging study), and the woman running the study said that they had been very surprised to find that the MRI's of 26% of the vaginally born babies in the study so far have had a subdural hemotoma on the back of the brain. Yikes! Actually, she said it's no big deal; it heals. But this points to that I'm being irrational to grieve that vaginal delivery. It has been an effort for me not to feel like I somehow failed at being a good mom because I had to have a c-section. I wonder if my body (and perhaps the lives of many women who've had c-sections?) is grieving the loss of the pregnancy because I didn't have the biological ritual of closure that my body naturally expected.

I recognize that this is likely just hormones - some incarnation of "baby blues." I thought that "baby blues" were only a factor in the immediate days after childbirth. That's what it said on the website I looked at. (Of course, if it's on the internet it must be true!) I don't meet the criteria for PPD, clearly, but these last two days I have felt a bit unlike my usual smiley self. Maybe it's partly the flu shot I got this afternoon (Rhett and I both felt kind of cruddy after it); maybe it's more of the breastfeeding thing; the weight gain and c-section are clearly part of it; and of course it has a lot to do with the absence of structure that defines our lives these days (I'm well enough recovered now that I actually wake up whenever Daniel does). Whatever these are, I really hope they go away soon.

God help me learn to tolerate vegetables!

Well it looks like your papa and I are both ready to tackle our bodies. We went to my doctor today and my incision looks great, uterus is back down, and I've lost 31lbs. I'm currently 144.5, and at 6 weeks pregnant I weighed 127. I think that's a good goal to shoot for - healthier than 113. So, that means I've got 17 pounds to lose before I'm back to where I want to be, or at least, where I think I want to be.

Your dad is running a 5K on March 15, so that's his plan of action. For my plan, it will have to be a little less aggressive. I asked the doctor what kind of exercise is okay for me post c-section, and she said that I can walk, but no elliptical, resistance training, running, etc. Not that I am tempted to run. I do NOT run. I'm thinking that I'll modify my diet a little bit. Specifically, I'll be trying to cut down my sprite habit and drink more water. I need to make more alterations than that - like, eating regular, balanced meals rather than grazing a lot, but I've never been any good at that, so it may take a little time. I'm pretty motivated in that direction, though, because I think it's important for me and your dad to model good eating habits for you. God help me learn to tolerate vegetables! In the mean time, I'll also take advantage of the increasing numbers of beautiful days and go walking in the afternoons.

Last night's sleep schedule

1:45am - to bed.
3:00 - 3:15am - changed diaper
6:00 - 6:45am - fed and changed
8:15am - up for the day.

Sleep Log

Elizabeth Pantley's book, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" suggests keeping logs of how baby is sleeping in order to be able to teach baby to sleep a little better, longer, healthier, happier, etc. Our pediatrician points out that it's silly to try to teach a newborn anything about sleep b/c their circadian rhythms aren't mature enough to manipulate yet. So, we aren't trying to dictate Daniel's schedule yet. However, we're keeping the log so that when he can be guided (a time to which we are very much looking forward); here it is.

Morning of Sunday, February 24, 2008
1:00am: Getting drowsy; swaddled
1:15am: asleep
1:50am - 2:45am: fed and changed, fed again, changed again, sang some songs, fed again, changed again. Eventually feel asleep on Rhett’s chest.
4:15am – 5:15am: swinging, fed, finger sucking, changing, singing, begging. Returned to sleep on PP’s chest.
8:15am: Up for the day.

I hate what I’m doing right now.

I’m out of shape, and there was a time that I was in shape and this would have been no problem, but the process of getting back into shape is a lot less enjoyable than it is to be already in shape. I'm getting ready for a 5K on March 15th. I’m on minute 22 of what is generally a 45 minute run. I hate every minute of what I’m doing; but sometimes we do things for our children that we wouldn’t do otherwise. I’m doing this because I want to be alive for my son, and I’m afraid of heart disease and diabetes. I should say, it’s a lot easier than it was the first time I did it 9 days ago; it’s much easier to do than it was yesterday because my wife and mother-in-law told me it’s gonna be okay. I would very much appreciate it if all of you would tell me it's gonna to be okay too.

*Dictated from treadmill to Em

What you need v. what I need

Dear Daniel,
Last night you grew up a bit; it felt like a pretty big deal to us. You slept in the co-sleeper for the first time. At first, you really, really didn’t like for us to put you down at all, especially when it was time for you to sleep. Then, you could sleep for very brief periods of time in a vibrating baby rocker (we call it your bumpy seat). Then, last night, you slept for the whole night (with the usual waking up for changes and snacks) in the co-sleeper.

The fact that you did that is not, in and of itself, all that remarkable I suppose. It’s a landmark event in your life and in ours, but it’s not all that surprising that you did it. What is remarkable is my reaction to it, and your father’s insights. As we turned out the lights, I found myself having this totally irrational fear that you would stop breathing if you weren’t in our arms. I missed you!

Totally unprovoked, and not yet having told my mother about this anxiety, she told me and your dad about the first time she and my dad ever left me after I was born. She says I was about a month old when she and my dad went to an arts and crafts festival for a few hours, leaving me with a perfectly capable mature adult who even had a child of her own. She said that while they were at the festival, she developed a totally irrational fear that I would be unable to breathe without her and my father there.

Why do we have these fears? We aren’t usually crazy people. Your dad reflected on his own thoughts and experience of these last few days, and I think the answer lies in his thoughts. There’s a trick to this parenting that we’re trying to get the hang of. We need to discern what is it exactly that you need, and what is it that we need? In other words, these last few days, have you needed to be held, or have we needed to hold you?

Particularly confusing is that something that you needed yesterday may be no longer important for you today. We have to figure these things out. You can’t tell us yet, and someday when you’re a child and a teenager, you’ll be able to tell us but sometimes you’ll be wrong. For now, it seems that you don’t need us to hold you while you sleep at night, as long as you’re fed, changed, and swaddled. But I confess, I don’t really know how much you actually need to be held during the day because your dad and I need to hold you.

I wonder what you’ll think when you read this someday. Will you think it makes sense and have some sympathy for your parents as we try to figure out these new things? Will you think we’re a little nuts? Those are probably both appropriate thoughts. Well, at least I’m honest about it, I guess.

Love, Mom

Uh-oh

I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant. People kept telling me “it’s all belly,” but I knew that wasn’t really true. There was not 62lbs of belly. But I didn’t worry about it, either. Some of it was water, related to high blood pressure; some of it was baby, some was placenta, some was increased blood volume. Now I know that I didn’t gain milk weight, but that’s usually only a pound or two. Well, I knew that I would have to face my body when pregnancy was over, and that time has arrived.

My mother arrived last night and she brought me my wedding and engagement rings. I could not get them on. Yikes. I have been wearing maternity clothes since Daniel’s birth, but the reason I haven’t tried non-maternity clothes has largely been that I don’t want regular pants waistbands touching my c-section incision. Now, however, I wonder if I may be in trouble. It’s a little confusing because I have absolutely no perspective about this. We don’t own a scale, so I don’t know what the number is on the scale.

February 13th of last year your dad and I went to my doctor to get instruction in how to begin to try to get pregnant. On that day, I weighed 113lbs. That’s less than I weighed since I was about 12 years old, so I’m not shooting to return to that. I wasn’t trying to be excessively thin at the time; I consider it a product of the fact that law school historically made me a little crazy and caused me to forget about food all too often. The last time I saw the doctor before Daniel was born, I weighed 175. Geez. That’s a very large difference! The question I have to answer now is what is a healthy weight for me, and I really don’t know.

Danielisms

Dear Daniel,
I write to you at the close of the thirteenth day of your life. I know better than to think we can possibly know all that much about your personality when you are only 13 days old, but some things are appearing that are not what the books predicted, and which I think are really your own. It may be that this is just your personality for a tiny little time in your life, but for now, we are really enjoying getting to know the you that you are right now.

You are teaching us about yourself and how to be your parents. We’ve learned that you are a cluster eater. They told us that in the hospital, but we did not understand. Now we get it. You eat for several hours at a time, with only short breaks in the midst of a feeding. Apparently, I was a cluster eater too, and my mother found it very irritating. Your dad and I love it in you because it makes for longer stretches of sleep. Hallelujah!

Speaking of sleep, you make wonderful faces while you sleep. I assume that much of the time you are exploring your face, but when you dream (we can tell when you’re dreaming because we see your eyes moving around under your eyelids) I love to see how you smile and open your mouth as if you are laughing, and then sometimes you look distraught, the way you look when you need to burp or when your diaper is dirty and before we get the problem solved. I see those faces and I know that if you were awake you’d be about to cry; but then the faces pass and my heart rate returns to normal. I know that social smiles are not possible for another few weeks, but I really have a hard time believing that the smiles don’t still mean that you are happy.

All in all, I’d say you are a pretty darned happy baby. You very rarely cry, and when you do, it’s always because of some fairly obvious need like needing food, changing, to burp, or someone is doing something to you that you don’t like. You don’t like it when the nurse at the doctor’s stretches you out to measure your length, for instance. You also used to really hate being naked, but that seems to be passing. It’s still not your favorite thing, but now you just make little distressed vocalizations, rather than out and out crying, and your dad figured out that if we turn the dryer on next to the changing table, you don’t even make those noises.

My father is here visiting us and most importantly, meeting you. My father is very impressed with your contemplative countenance. When he says this he is referring to your tai-chi movements. You still do those. Also, you keep your hands very open, with your fingers extended beautifully. You rarely close them into a fist, as the books told us you would do.

Last night, when we thought that you were sleeping, I glanced down at your body out-stretched on my lap. You had your hands placed lightly atop your knees in the zen mudra for meditation; with your palms up and knuckles down, thumbs floating in a relaxed cup shape over your palms. Your dad, my dad, and I each took turns placing our fingers in the space between your hands and sure enough, we could feel a little ball of warm energy there. My dad maintained that you had clearly been here before, and since you were in a Japanese meditation posture you had probably been Japanese. I am inclined to think we project too much, but if indeed you are as contemplative as you currently seem, you’ll share a great deal with your grandfather. I note that your dad commented how much you looked like my father the first time he saw you. You’ll also share a great deal with your dad.

These are just a few of our early observations about you. Even now we can see that you are both a product of your parents and a uniquely new being.

What we know thus far, we love and like about you. It’s hard to really know how much of you we’re actually seeing, and how much may be our own projections. We’re really trying to keep a pretty open mind about you though, and we’ll try to continue to try to be aware of the differences between the emerging you and our projections onto you as you grow up, because ultimately the little light inside of you is what we want to shine. We are stunned again and again that you chose our family to be a part of; and we feel so blessed.

Love,
Mom and Dad

I love you guys!

Dear Friends,

The primary purpose of this blog is to record some memories of pregnancy and these early days of parenthood because we've wanted to be intentional about preserving Daniel's story during the times that he can't remember (i.e., conception through early childhood); but it has served a really important secondary purpose for me as well. It has allowed me to get some really great perspective. The feedback I’ve gotten from all of you, both in comments and in e-mails has been so enormously supportive. It’s allowed me to have some dialogues that have given me the perspective I needed to feel totally up for this job. Some of you will see snippets of things I’ve written to you. You helped me to think through these disappointments in a way that I want to remember.

In the hours since I posted my feelings about breastfeeding, I've had a lot of feedback reminding me that we're doing our best, that Daniel has good parents, and that to nurse or not to nurse won't make or break his future. I also had a lot of comforting feedback when I was feeling so stressed out by all the voices telling me that we shouldn't be induced or that we should try to induce using methods I wasn't comfortable with. I hadn't realized that I needed to hear some voices from outside of my own head to counteract the judgments inside my own head. Thanks to all of you who have told us that we are doing great, and for encouraging us to reclaim that we-do-what's-right-for-us attitude that Rhett and I are generally able to pull off. I really do think it's true that we're doing great. I'm completely in love with this child, and even more in love with Rhett than I’ve ever been (which I didn't think was possible). In fact, I have to say that the emotional support we’ve received from all of you may even have been even more important to me than the logistical support we've received (and that's really saying something, because we've been so very supported logistically).

I have read that 70% of women experience baby blues. I have a couple of decent reasons to have baby blues. First is the breastfeeding thing, and second is the major trauma to my body that was childbirth. But I don't have blues at all! I do cry easily - mostly from the loving, warm, and wonderful e-mails I've received, but they are not tears from depression or even lows. Perhaps that will come at some point. But these disappointments are only disappointments. They do not rise to the level of "grief" or “blues” or “depression” and even these disappointments feel so small compared to the enormous joy I have in holding this perfect, healthy boy who has not yet heard the news that his mother and dad might be flawed. I have semi-joked and said that I'm sure we're going to screw this up at some point; after all, I think most well intentioned parents do make some pretty big goofs and have some pretty giant limitations. But I'm pretty sure we haven't done any irreparable damage yet. So far, it’s just too good.

My friend Stephanie made a very important point that continues to resonate with me. The process of preparing for child birth sets us up for the belief that we can control everything from child bearing to child rearing. At conception it’s “if you have sex on the right day you can control whether you get a boy or a girl;” and “start your prenatal vitamins at least three months in advance to make sure you don’t have a kid with certain health problems” and even “would you prefer to conceive in March or April?” Then once you get pregnant the obvious questions are “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Are you going to breastfeed?” “Are you going to deliver at X, Y, or Z?” “Are you planning to have an epidural?” “What name [identity] are you going to give him?” “Will you have him circumcised?” But so much is unknown! Would we even be able to conceive? Would we be able to breastfeed? How could we know if vaginal delivery would work out for us? Would his name come to us quickly or would we need some time to figure that out?

What I can say, though, is that Daniel's birth story was the perfect birth story for him because it was, in fact, HIS story. It needed to accommodate him and his needs. He was either unable or not inclined to come in the way that we imagined he would, but he got to come in the way that was best for him. His debut was his own, and by definition, then, it was perfect.

Thank-you all for helping me stay in touch with the enormously precious experience that these first days have been.

A new father reflects on his past and his son's future

Em is kind enough to take down these thoughts for me (Rhett) as I am holding and feeding our son.

For the last several months, I’ve given great thought to what it means to be a man. This began last April when I disclosed to Lisa and Liz at a healing service that PM and I were beginning the process of attempting to conceive a child. My thoughts intensified after we learned that we were pregnant; and I further explored these thoughts through a men’s group with friends from ECOTA in the fall. The question “what does it mean to be a man?” has been a particularly salient one for me because it cuts to the heart of what it now means for me to be a father, and what it means for me to seek to be one of hopefully many positive and healthy role models for our son.

It strikes me that the models of masculinity that our American culture has held up since this country’s founding are no longer working. The John Wayne approach to relationships, the George W. Bush approach to governing, and the all-consuming focus on success that leads many male athletes to use performance enhancing drugs cannot be the only models provided for my son. As a boy growing up in South Carolina, I intuitively knew that the models of masculinity around me did not work for me. I wasn’t a particularly good athlete, though I enjoyed sports; I couldn’t charm and manipulate women; I wasn’t able to use words and even might to engender the “respect” of my male peers. I longed for something more substantive by which to define myself as a man, but I didn’t know where to look for it, how to find it, and especially how to be what it was that I longed to be.

Over the last several days I have reflected on the last ten years of my life – a period in which I’ve done considerable self-reflection and therapy. As I consider certain periods of my life and the ways that I acted during those periods, sometimes I wonder who I was at those times. In particular, I recall the ways in which I acted in my first marriage and realize that I don’t even know that person anymore. My identity back then was confined to the narrow models of masculinity that I received from my father and mother, my grandparents, and from many of the men who mentored me in my early years in South Carolina. The experience of divorce, as painful as it was, was the most transformative experience of my life because it forced me into a time of despair. It was the most healing despair of my life in that I realized that the models I had been given did not work and would not work, and thus, I had to make changes.

I found the tools for internal change through mentors and therapists, through friends (male and female), and most importantly, through Em, my wife. I also found a number of cultural fathers who have modeled for me what I consider to be healthy masculinity.

There are many men in our society who have wed religion in politics in ways that I consider to be unhelpful, but which have engendered the support of Americans given our dominant gender narratives. For instance, for those in this school of thought, personal religious values are imposed upon others through public discourse and public policy. This has been the masculine politics of the last 28 years. I am heartened now that these narratives are changing and that we see models of masculinity emerging from the grassroots that place a high priority on community, compassion for children, respect for diverse family models, and love of neighbor. This way of being a man was embodied for me by an early cultural father, Walter Mondale and a more recent cultural father, Al Gore. These particular men are important models for me because they combine the religious and the political. Walter Mondale was the son of a Methodist pastor, and Al Gore is an ordained minister. Both have dedicated their lives to public service, and both have placed their own family at the pinnacle of their lives as well as the American family at the forefront of their public policy initiatives. These men are important to me because they hold conflicting masculine characteristics in tension. In these men, charm and wit are moderated by sincerity and responsibility; power is tempered with accountability, and a passion for public justice is informed by an awareness of the joys and struggles that Americans face daily.

This is an early reflection by a new father who wants to be a healthy masculine role-model for his son and who hopes his life will contribute to the making of a better society for all children and their families. I hope to be a role model who by example teaches his son a way of having caring friendships with men and women based on mutuality and respect.

After ten years of reflection I have been able to incorporate the many strengths of my father and mother and grandparents into my life and I have gained an appreciation for them and the contributions they made to my life. Among their contributions are an appreciation for family, a strong work ethic, and a commitment to public service. My hope and prayer is that our son will not need ten years of reflection in order to speak those words about his father. I am grateful for the many men presently in my life who have walked with me in preparation for fatherhood. I am grateful for the women who have shared this journey as well; and I look forward to these men and women being a part of the village that will help raise our son into the man that he is best able to be.

Ah, breastfeeding.

I am trying very hard to breastfeed, but it isn't going very well, and this makes me sad. My milk has not come in at all, despite my spending lots of time on a pump and also using a supplemental nursing system to feed Daniel. He latches on pretty well I think, but has a hard time staying latched on. The lactation consultants at the hospital were very helpful, but they can't get water from a stone. So far, I have had literally ONE drop of breastmilk come out of my body. I was so excited I almost cried. But I have talked to several doctors and lactation consultants who are all pretty pessimistic. As the pediatrician said, at this point the milk should have come in, and if it hasn't by now it's probably just not going to happen.

Our doctor has tried to allay my fears about the harm that could come to Daniel from not being breastfed, but I know that breastmilk is uncontroversially best for him. Moreover, I live in a community where it seems like good and responsible parents are ALWAYS expected to breastfeed, and it looks like I can't. I find that I have some pretty significant grief over this issue, and even a bit of shame, and I don't know how I will explain that we are formula feeding our child. I don't really want to discuss lactation with everyone I know, but it seems like everyone - even a random old guy at the dog park - thinks it's okay to ask me if I'm planning to nurse my kid.

In addition to really believing that breastmilk is best and my worries that Daniel is being deprived of something really important, I think all of this ties back to my issue with how other people that I like and respect will view me as a parent. This is positively idiotic. I'm normally not at all vulnerable in this way. I'm pretty good at realizing that my life has taken many non-traditional turns and that when I'm graceful about that, things go well. But I guess I don't like being complicated around the issue of parenting. I want what works for other people to work for me as well. Is this hormones too? Is this my unique little version of the baby blues? I'm deliriosly happy in every other way; but when I think about nursing I feel genuine grief.

Overview of Parenthood So-Far

We are really happy, and really tired. We went to the pediatrician for the first time yesterday. That was exciting. Daniel is still in perfect health. Rhett and I have developed a bizarre obsession with baby output. Rhett even carried along a soiled diaper in a zip-lock bag to have the doctor inspect.

Sleeping is hard, as we knew it would be. For the first two nights it hasn't been possible to put Daniel down and go to sleep ourselves, so we've been sleeping in shifts. One stays in the living room with Daniel and the other tries to sleep in the bedroom. The result is that we are both tired because neither of us sleeps all that well without the other. The doctor talked with us about ways that we can safely nap with him nestled in the crook of our arms, and at first I didn't think that would work, but we've tried it a couple of times for short naps and it seems to be going decently well. We wake up at the tiniest noise. Also, we have a bouncy seat that we tried putting him in for short periods last night and today, and that has gone surprisingly well. I say surprisingly because I figured that if he didn't like the co-sleeper, nothing would work.

I'm hoping we can get Daniel used to being worn in our Maya Wrap sling or in a Bjorn in the coming days. The Maya Wrap has met with mostly disgruntled results from Daniel, but I have benefited from it a great deal because I can't lift anything heavier than 10lbs (per discharge instructions, but also just the reality of having had major abdominal surgery and being weak and uncentered). Obviously, that's a problem,since Daniel was born at 10lbs and hasn't lost much weight at all -still weighs 9lbs, 6oz. For me to be able to feed myself, answer a phone, go to the bathroom, or anything else, I have to have some device to help me manage his weight. I think the Maya Wrap will take a little practice; fortunately we have a DVD from the company to help us get it right. We put Daniel in the Bjorn the day we came home, and I must say I feel like an idiot. He had just been circumcised about 8 hours before, and he screamed bloody murder. Dumb new parent mistake. Do not put baby's full weight onto his crotch immediately after operating on said crotch.

The joys are overwhelming. He is opening his eyes more and more often, and he works hard to take in and make sense of what he sees. His eyes are open about 30 min. total per day, and he is beautiful. Other joys are the sweet cooing noises, the little grunts he makes as he tries to nurse, and those gorgeously graceful tai-chi movements he makes with his arms,head, mouth, and legs. The arm and head movements are the coolest because I remember feeling them while he was upside down inside me.