I am becoming huge!!!

I thought I was ready for pregnancy weight gain, but when I got on the scale at the doctor's yesterday, I nearly fainted. I now weigh somewhere between 145-148. Last February I weighed 113. I thought 113 was probably a little thin for me and I resolved to eat more during the high stress semester that it was, but yikes! This is serious. I gained somewhere between nine and 12 pounds in a MONTH.

I talked to my mother last night and I bemoaned the apparently defunct policy I used to have about eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and in whatever portion I wanted. It worked for me - I tended to be underweight if anything. So what the holy heck has happened to my metabolism!!!!????!!!! My mother's response? Be grateful for the years I had and get used to living like everyone else - more careful re: what I eat.

Make no mistake about it, I do not like that option at ALL. However, I don't see much of an option. I went on my first intentional exercising trip today. I took Rex for a 1 mile walk - which was lots easier before I weighed so much. It is also much easier when it's not 85 degrees outside. When is fall coming to Chapel Hill?

Reflecting on Pregnancy Thus Far

Evenin’ Beautiful Son,

I got an e-mail this morning from BabyZone informing me that this is the last week of our third trimester together. It tells us about what’s going on with you, and specifically says that this week “rapid eye movements are beginning! [That your] eyes open and shut frequently, and [your] eyebrows and eyelashes are present.”  Can you believe it? It’s been a pretty easy ride so far. I know you didn’t cause any of the easiness or discomfort specifically, but I want to thank you for hanging in here with us. I hope it’s been as comfortable for you.

I’ve heard/read about terrible pregnancy experiences, and I truly do feel so fortunate. The first trimester was a breeze compared to the norm. There were only a few days of nausea, a handful of migraines, and although I was extremely tired, I was blessed with the ability to lie around a lot as I needed to. It was really a pretty blissful experience.

Now, at the end of the second trimester, I realize I’ve remained lucky. I’ve been able to return to school full-time and I’m still going strong. People generally say that the third trimester is pretty exhausting too, so I should probably try to get ahead while I still can, but it really wouldn’t surprise me if the rest of the pregnancy was comparatively smooth as well. The e-mail also tells us that the stretch marks are probably on their way, and I have no doubt you’re growing like kudzoo on a Georgia highway. Last week I was in terrible pain in my upper abdomen – my friend told me she read that the stomach muscles eventually tear when the baby grows enough, and while she thought people ordinarily didn’t feel that, that’s the only explanation I can think of for what was so painful. It was like stretching and bruising all at once. Well, that we can’t do anything about – and wouldn’t want to – we want you to be a healthy sized baby. But the outside is a different story. Your dad and I will have to get on the stick with the cocoa butter. I don’t know how much it’s possible to do to avoid them, but we’re sure going to try!!!

Economic Frustration with Public Education - This is just me studying for Ed. Law

Good morning Kiddo,
 

Your dad and I ponder where we're going to live quite a bit these days (e.g. where should I do a Ph.D., if I do it, what bar exam(s) should I take - if I take bars, etc.) And we consider a number of things in the analysis. We think about where we'll find supportive, loving community; where we'll make an impact with our work; where our family will be; how is the weather (I think about this more than your dad does); and lately, how are the schools?

Where will we send you to school? We don't want to rule out the South just yet, but your father and I both have a strong preference for public education. But we want for you a kind of idealized view of what we think public education should be. For instance, there are a number of societal goals built into the provision of public education - chief among them is to equalize the positions of all people, and that’s simply not happening. In fact, public education looks like one giant meritocracy. Why? Money. In almost all places in the U.S., school resources are based on property tax, and kids in areas with lower tax bases have less opportunity for quality education.  We think that being educated in a racially and socioeconomically diverse environment is ideal and that any education that lacks such diversity is almost guaranteed to be inferior.

However, in the South, it’s harder to commit to. For instance, NC lags behind northeastern schools because the South is poorer in economic resources generally, and also because people in the South are more spread out. In order for NC to raise the same amount of money for public education as does an average northeastern city, we would have to raise 5 times the tax dollars from each citizen than do northeastern school districts. People in NC simply haven't gotten to the place that they can or will relinquish that much investment in the public schools - especially in public schools that are still largely segregated.

In Leandro, the Supreme Court of NC held that every NC child has a right to a sound, basic education, but that doesn’t mean much. It basically just means there have to be schools, and that the schools have to be barely adequate. Call me crazy, or elitist, or just overly optimistic, but as your mother, I want more for you! I want more for every other mother's sons and daughters too - but as I am personally charged with care for you, it really hits home as I think about the direction for this family's path. Still, our preference for public education is so strong, that we are more likely to choose between the North and the South than we are to consider choosing between public and private schools. I hope you like cold weather. I don't :-(

Can you motivate me to study?

Hello Kiddo,

You danced all night. I bet you are tired! I’ve only felt you a couple of times since the sun came up, though. I bet you are sleeping. I’m jealous.

 

Today I am trying to structure the vast world of intestacy law into a cohesive, exam-useful structure, and as I hope I will hide from you for the first couple decades of your life, structure is not my friend. I am taking this course in Trusts & Estates largely because I want to be able to draft a good will and create a good trust to make sure you are cared for in the event that anything should happen to me and your dad – not at all because I especially want to take an exam on it. It’s useful to think of you as a motivating factor in the study, but I know you’re never going to ask for my flashcards (unless you go to law school, in which case, I’ll tell you to find a better source). Maybe I can learn to think of earning a living to support my son as a motivating mechanism to get me more interested in this exam worthy structure thing. It’s worth a try.

I’m also taking an education law course, but that hasn’t turned out to be at all like I thought it would be. I thought it would be a pretty statutory course – “No Child Left Behind” “Individuals with Disabilities in Education Act” etc. But so far, it’s all about your first amendment rights. Since I know absolutely nothing about the first amendment, this is all new to me. I think I’m going to start writing about it though – in case you want to know what your public school teachers can make you do and what it can stop you from doing. When I was in the seventh or eighth grade, I remember realizing that I just don’t believe in saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I still don’t. Can they make you? Tune in for more on that, and other issues of law that relate to your childhood and your father’s and my abilities to support you in your education.

Explaining "Punkie"

One of the words in the title of this blog seems to surprise people. I had no idea how many different meanings the word "Punkie" might have! But according to a good friend, it can mean any of "young, inexperienced person" as well as "prostitute (archaic); in poor health; decayed, crumbly wood; dry, spongy substance prepared from fungi." Those meanings, while fascinating, aren't quite what we had in mind :-) The name comes from an essential part of my relationship with your dad: silliness! We almost never call our dog by his name. This may be because we didn't choose the name, and I, at least, don't really like it. Instead, we call him by any of a large number of pet names that we have constructed in moments of his cuteness or his sociopathy - depending on the day.

On days when Rex is climbing the counter and eating out of the pizza box, after a chorus of "No! Stop! It's unconscionable! It's wrong!" and once his four paws are restored to the ground where they belong, I usually punctuate the event by calling him "Punk!" Then there are most days, when our canine child is his perfectly adorable self, and I call him "Punkin" (a southern pronunciation derived from the English word "pumpkin,") and even "punkin butt" or "punkin head." From this came the shorter "Punkie," and "punkie head." Now that explains how we got the word Punkie, but definately not how we got to be a punkie family.

For this I must refer to a very, very long car trip that your dad and I took from our home in Chapel Hill, NC to our parents respective homes in Bishopville, SC then Macon, GA, and then on to visit our cousins in Wisconsin. Such car rides make us punchy, and when we are punchy we make up songs. Your dad is much better at this than I am. He can make them up on the spot, and they always make sense musically, rhythmically, and usually, they even rhyme. I, however, made up this song. In this song, I sang random pitches which didn't go together in the slightest, and it goes "PunkieRexie, Punkie Bootie (less vulgar and fit better rhythmically than "punkie butt"), Punkie Husband, Punkie Wife." People who hear our song (which delights us immeasurably) roll their eyes and really can't believe we wer'e adults. We sing it all the time. Now, as we grow more accustomed to our new role as parents, the song has morphed into "PunkieMommie, PunkiePapa, PunkieRexie, PunkieSon."

In naming our blog we thought we'd choose something that pointed out that we are pretty darned happy people and don't take ourselves too seriously. Punkie, yeah? So, our family identity - in flux as it may be - is best summed up by this song. We are a PunkieFamily.

Repost - Who are you, little man?

Hello Little Person,
What are we going to call you? It seems like we waited for so long to find out whether you were a boy or a girl, and now that we know (or at least, we think we do), we get to choose your name. Wow. What an awesome responsibility! Whatever name we give you will be with you for your entire life (unless you decide to change it, but that's a big hassle). It seems likely that our choice will impact your identity - both how you are seen by others and how you see yourself. That's why I'm so committed to naming you with four names. For reasons of family politics, we aren't naming you with a hyphenated last name (Edwards-Brown), but I confess, your personal identity is why I've insisted that Edwards not be reduced to a simple middle name. By giving you four names you will at least be reminded that you are made of two families - not just one. I want you to see yourself that way.

But first names are hardest. I wish you could talk. What do you think about Joshua? We like it a lot, but we aren't just smitten with it. I really like Abel Elias Edwards Brown, but your dad is not convinced. Your dad's going favorite is Corinth Gradyn Edwards Brown. We are both persuadable. Also in the running are Andrew and Joseph. The name Corinth Gradyn came to me in a dream when you were only 8 or 10 weeks in the womb. It was a scary dream, but it seemed kind of weirdly prophetic, so that name's still on the list. Then, there's the current leading name - your dad and I both like it a lot. Jonathan "Jonah" Thomas Edwards Brown. What do you think of that? You'd be named for your father, your great grandfather on his side, and your grandfather on my side. Would that give you freedom of identity? Perhaps not entirely - since no name would really give you total freedom of identity, but how about flexible identity? I hope so. I really like that one. It's purely coincidence, but a funny and appropriate one that this alludes to your spending time in the belly of a whale.
10.2.2007

Repost - Tiny, Huge, Wonderful Act of Faith

Dear Little One,
At dinner a couple of months ago, a friend said that it is ultimately an act of faith to bring a child into the world. Regardless of one's financial circumstances, physical health, age, emotional/spiritual maturity, educational status, family support level, or whatever-else have you. She's absolutely right. I occasionally have fears about this - I wonder if we've done a good and responsible thing. I wonder about whether we have enough money; a nice enough house; an old enough relationship; enough knowledge about - how to do it - to be adults, to be parents; and enough healing from our childhood hurts and patterns. The answer to all of these questions is an unqualified "no." We don't have enough money or any house at all, our relationship is young, and we are still figuring out how to be adults and are only beginning to learn how to be parents. No one is ever totally cured of childhood hurts and patterns - vulnerabilities persist. But you are going to be here in approximately 121 days, and I couldn't be happier.

I have faith that with God's grace, your dad and I will be enough. We will shower you with the totally boundless love that we feel for you. And I have faith in our families - that they will fill in gaps where sometimes your dad and I fail. I have faith in our church - that the other wonderful babies will be your friends and that their parents will be our teachers. I have faith in God - that she will guide our paths. And even though we haven't actually seen you, I have faith in you. You are not concerned with the paint on the walls or the fact that the couch still has a faint odor of cat pee. You do not fear failure, as I do, nor do you have unrealistic standards for your parents to live up to. You trust this lady's body to keep you warm for the next 4 months and lo-and-behold, with your trust it is working.

I marvel at you as you grow. I am amazed at how your body is growing inside of mine and despite my usually random wanderings though the world, my lack of perfect nutrition, loads of exercise, or ability to swallow all those omega-3 fatty acids I feel like I should be taking, by every indicator that we have so far, you are perfect.

10.2.2007