Exam stress!!!

Dear Jonah (we think that's your name, now, so I'm trying it out),
I'm 32 weeks into this pregnancy and have really been trying to treat you well during your time inside my body. I've gotta say, I never really appreciated how committed pregnant women are to becoming mothers. I get that now. It's a huge responsibility to have another (very vulnerable) human life inside my body, depending on me to do/eat/think the safest/optimal things 100% of the time, and I hope I've done an okay job so far.

I knew before your dad and I were pregnant that I had to get off of some medications that I normally take for my usual ADHD laced with anxiety, and that was perfectly okay with me. I worked it out with the school to let me record classes, I've worked with an LD coach, I took fewer classes, and on the whole, I'd say it's worked brilliantly. But in the last week, I've hit a giant road block around finals. It happens every year that I have a good bit of exam-time anxiety, but this semester (sans meds, and with hormones a little less steady than before), I've been a bit of a wreck since classes broke for Thanksgiving. It's irrational. I have plenty to do before each exam (one next Tuesday and one a week from Friday) and I really don't have leisure time, but assuming I can devote myself to studies just the same as everyone else getting ready for exams, I am in good shape to do well on exams. Moreover, I don't even care about grades. I just want to pass the stupid classes and get them over with.

I've read several times about the importance of minimizing stress during pregnancy b/c cortisol evidently crosses the placenta and mom's who are stressed out during pregnancy - which I have not been, other than since Thanksgiving - produce babies who have problems with anxiety and stress management into their teens and beyond. It's an added piece of pressure that I feel guilty about poor little you - trapped inside my body and having to feel all this anxiety.

I talked with my professor about that last night, and she was able to ease my worries a little bit. Apparently she was really stressed out and totally miserable for her last pregnancy, and her son is one of the most charming, laid back, utterly stressless human beings I've ever met. If you have his level of anxiety, I'll consider myself truly blessed.

Still, by yesterday - in the wee hours of the morning - I was getting pretty desperate, and I e-mailed my doctor for some guidance. I asked him if there was anything I could do. I said "I'm open to herbal stuff, real meds, magic spells, or whatever - as long as it's okay for both me and baby." He offered me one medication that I've never heard of, but it's a risk/benefit analysis, since there's still some risk of fetal withdrawal. My OB chimed in that she didn't think that there was much risk if I take just a few doses to get through exams, but I keep thinking that there's just a short time left until exams are over, and after that there could be consequences for you. I don't want you to suffer from my anxiety - or from my calm - it's hard to be a mommy right now.

Why do people say "you can gain all the weight you want when you're pregnant?" If only they knew! I never worried about weight before I was pregnant. I've gained 20lbs in the last two months and our doctor doesn't agree with the weight-gain cheerleaders. At our last appointment she said "don't gain 10lbs every month." Thanks. No kidding. If I'd made any effort to eat "low-fat" or "low-cal" prior to pregnancy, I'd have been blown away by a strong wind, and now, I have no skills to keep my weight down. I'm also a picky, picky eater (a trait I hope you don't inherit) and I really don't like the suggestions I keep finding in pregnancy magazines that I should munch a carrot.

At least I can say it's not just me, though. I just read that "in the last two weeks, [you've] gained almost 12 ounces." And you are apparently "a wrinkled little thing" - at least I'm not wrinkled. I'm fat, but not wrinkled. I look forward to meeting you 75 days from now, Sweet, Wrinkley Boy.

-Mom

Goodbye monkey baby, hello roly poly!

I borrowed a source from another pregnancy blogger (http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/calendar/week30 from Jeni's Pregnancy Journal - on the right side of this page), and it is fascinating to see what's going on this week.

Fetal development in pregnancy week 30: Can you believe this is the thirtieth week? I really can't.

The light is visible at the end of the tunnel! [We] have finally reached the single digits (in terms of weeks till birth)! The fine lanugo hair that has been growing all over [your] little monkey-like body is going to start falling off this week in preparation for the big day. But . . . some babies keep their lanugo until after birth. Still, it’s not any cause to be concerned as it will fall off eventually. [You are a] little porker [and are] getting even cuter with increasingly pudgy arms and legs this week thanks to the ever-growing layers of subcutaneous fat. In terms of numbers, you[] should be weighing in at around 3 pounds 12 ounces (or more!) and be nearly 16 inches long.

And how am I doing? Well, I'm tired by day and at night I'm tired, but I can't seem to get comfortable. I have some heartburn, which means according to an old wives tale (and recent scientific studies) you have a decent chance of being born with some hair. Your dad and I were both born baldies so I don't know where you'd get it, but I suppose you might. I also have terrible allergy/cold like symptoms which I can't really explain. I don't have a fever, and there's been an awful drought, so that could explain the abnormally allergic feeling me these days. I feel awful because I keep your dad awake with all my trips to the bathroom (yes, it's true, I have to pee all the time) and my sneezes and my fussing with the covers. I need a nap everyday now worse than I ever did, but I can't always have it anymore. It's getting too close to exams and I'm still trying to outline Trusts and Estates.


I'm writing my will, too. I was planning to do that anyway, but it's a required part of my Trusts and Estates class. I am using a form will as a sort of a template, so it shouldn't be all that hard, but I don't like it anyway. It's a morbid experience. I have to ponder difficult, scary things like what would happen if you predecease me and what expectations do your dad and I have should one of us die and the other someday remarry. Oh, such awful things!! I don't want to deal with the possibility of divorce - even though the form will thinks I should. I think it introduces bad energy into the marriage and I'm simply not going to. I'll have to e-mail my professor to promise her that if the unthinkable were to ever happen, I'd execute a new will. Besides, how could I possibly write a document giving legal instructions in the event of a divorce - I can't even imagine it, so how can I know what I would want to happen to my stuff after it?


The best part of pregnancy these days is that you move all the time. The strongest kicks are always up top, and often, I can feel them on the left and the right side at exactly the same moment. Are you doing a frog kick in there? I really like it. There are some movements down low, too, and often I feel them poke me in the bladder, but mercifully, those are weaker and I am not yet in a state of perpetual discomfort. I don't doubt that it's coming, but hopefully I can make it through exams before that happens.


I really can't wait to meet you!

Love, Mom

A little closer to ready

Hello Kiddo,

Last night your dad and I took an infant and child CPR class – an important step toward being ready to be your parents. Your dad had taken CPR before, but I hadn’t ever taken it. I’ve read a lot of stuff about how to prevent accidents that might necessitate CPR, but just in case, now we’re prepared – we think. It’s a good thing, too, because as of today, you’re 79 days away.

Love, your mom.

Yesterday's Doctor's Appt.

Your dad and I went to the doctor yesterday, and you appear to be doing great. Your heart rate was 142 and the doctor thinks you are positioned toward the exit. That’s good news for me! You are due to arrive in 85 days, and if you were born today (which thank God, there’s no sign of you trying to do) you’d have an excellent chance of survival. 27 days from now I’ll take my exam in Education Law and in 29 or 30 days I’ll finish off Trusts and Estates. We got the all clear from the doctor yesterday to schedule our flights to and from Nevada – planning to fly out on Dec. 29 and back on Jan. 7 (I think).  

The doctor said she’d do the Group B Strep test next time we see her so that the results of that test will be in my medical records, and we’ll carry the records with us for that extremely unlikely possibility that you decide to be a Vegas baby. I took that horrible diabetes screening test yesterday too. I haven’t had any symptoms of gestational diabetes and I would have been very happy to skip that test altogether. It made me feel nauseous, and I really can’t imagine that I am at any risk for it at all – still, better safe than sorry, I guess. I just hope I passed it, because if I didn’t, then I have to take another, more intense version of the same test, and that would really make me unhappy.

Today is largely devoted to working on an independent study paper – devoted to what government regulation of parenting and other caregiving for children would be societally tolerable, beneficial to children, and Constitutional. It’s a big topic and I’d better get back to it.

Stay well.

Love, Mom

News from the Family

Good Morning PunkieKid,

I’m sorry it’s been a while since you’ve heard from us. Your dad and I have been really busy. We have some more exciting news on the family front. Your Aunt Katie has gotten engaged to the brother-in-law your dad and I have been hoping for. He’s now officially Uncle Scott. There’s no set date for their wedding, yet, but this weekend, your dad and I went to Macon to meet Scott’s parents and to gather up some things for your room.

Meeting Scott’s parents was really lovely. They are very nice people and they made us all so comfortable in their home. They clearly love your aunt and I hope they know how much we all love Uncle S. It’s a shame we never met them before because I don’t know how often we’ll see them, now that your grandparents are moving to Nevada. It may be that you don’t see them that often. However, it also seems quite plausible that Katie and Scott will live in Macon for a long time to come, and if they do, I hope you’ll get to know Scott’s family as your extended family.

Knowing Scott and Katie will be really important in your life because they are going to be your godparents. That means that they will be mentors and role-models for you, taking special care to give you extra love and support around spirituality. Katie and Scott will also become your legal guardians if anything should ever happen to me and your dad.

On a lighter note, the trip to Macon and back through Bishopville allowed us to finish up some important preparation for your arrival. In Macon, we got a twin bed that was mine growing up. That’s for when your grandma comes to visit. We also picked up the baby swing that Katie got you. It’s pastel pink, which I just love. No stereotypical gender role imposition for you, buddy!  She also got you an absolutely precious little outfit – a onsie with puppies on it, some too cute khaki, corduroy cargo parts, and a little blue sweater. They are newborn sized, so it’s entirely likely that you’ll come home from the hospital wearing that little outfit (and a hat, and a bunch of other warmness articles – since it will still be very cold when you come home). We picked up your changing table, which your grandparents picked up for you in a thrift shop in Asheville, and a car seat which your grandmother and I picked up together when you were so new to us that people couldn’t even tell you were in there. We picked up a bunch of other baby clothes that your grandma and I got together too. In fact, since Buck and Elisabeth have passed on their son’s absolutely precious hand-me-downs, and I hear you’ll grow out of them so quickly, I really don’t think we need anymore newborn clothes for you. That’s not totally true. I think we still need to get you a bunch of socks and maybe a couple more hats (since knowing your mom, those will disappear pretty often). Then on our way back, we drove through Bishopville and picked up a chest of drawers, a dresser, and couch and a loveseat – all designed to make organizing our lives easier and spending time in our space more comfortable. After all, this is the first home you’ll ever know (even though I seriously doubt that you’ll remember it) and we want to be totally settled into it as we enjoy your first months of life.

More news in a bit - I'm hungry. I think you are hungry too. I'm definitely hungry enough for two.

Love, Mom

Your mother needs a ship deck

I checked the calendar this morning, and you’re scheduled to be here in 91 days. There are also: 65 days till your grandfather is consecrated bishop, 33 days till one of my final exams and 35 days till the other. I don’t remember which exam is on which day because it really doesn’t matter. I have 10 classes left of Trusts and Estates, 7 classes left of Education law, and not long at all to finish an independent study. I can’t decide how I feel about any of this.

I met with the academic dean earlier this week to go over my plan to finish law school and be a mom at the same time, and I think the plan is pretty painless (though, of course, we shall see). I will have one semester of 4 hours – likely at NC Central’s law school or at the UNC School of Social Work, then another semester with 10 hours (3 or 4 classes), and a summer semester of 6 hours – advanced legal research and income tax. Why I came to law school I’m not sure I’ll ever understand. Finishing seems quite important to me, but as I’ve been considering my graduation from this awful place, it occurs to me that “graduation” seems like a wholly unsatisfying event to attend. So, your dad and I have planned an alternative graduation ritual. We are looking for a cruise. By the time I graduate, you’ll be a year old and I think that’s old enough to leave with your grandma Lolly for a week. I wouldn’t swear to that, and we’ll need to check on it, but I don’t think you’ll want to lay on a ship deck with your mother at that point, and I will be in desperate need of a ship deck.

What a rotten mom I feel like today!

I must say, I’m not feeling like an especially fit parent these days. Your brother, Rex, had to get stitches on Saturday and the reason is just dreadful. Your dad and were trying to groom him because he kept licking this spot on his wrist. I thought it might be a wound of some kind and thought we needed to get the hair off of his leg in order to properly inspect it. But, we were both a little tense at the time that we were grooming him, and consequently weren’t as mindful as we ought to have been, and I suspect we also probably imparted some of our own tension to Rex, who was especially jumpy. Well, while I was attempting to remove the hair with some ordinary scissors (a precursor to the electric clippers), Rex moved his head suddenly and dropped his tongue between the two scissor blades. I cut his tongue badly. He didn’t indicate any pain so we kept working and your dad then accidentally cut Rexie’s leg. That cut was clearly large and your dad and I didn’t think we could care for it ourselves so we took Rex to the vet, where general anesthesia and stitching ensued. Since then, Rexie has been on antibiotics and has been hard to convince that he shouldn’t lick his bandages. That worries me and keeps my attention always slightly turned to the potential for other harm. This morning, just for a little extra stress, Rex fell backwards off the bed – something he’s never done unless he was having a seizure. So, he limped around (or something – he did a funny walk anyway) for about five minutes and I panicked and called the vet. That was before I figured out that he was really fine. I bet the vet is ready to call canine protective services on me and your dad right now. Rex is enjoying all this attention though. He’s playful and his wit and charm are uncompromised. I don’t think he’s in any pain – except that he’s still trying to lick that wrist (which it turned out, there was no wound on) and he’s enjoying all the extra attention. He’s driving me up a wall, making me chant “leave it. Leave IT!” over and over. But the only alternative is a bite-not collar, which I cannot bear to do if we don’t absolutely have to. What a rotten mom I feel like today!