I am trying very hard to breastfeed, but it isn't going very well, and this makes me sad. My milk has not come in at all, despite my spending lots of time on a pump and also using a supplemental nursing system to feed Daniel. He latches on pretty well I think, but has a hard time staying latched on. The lactation consultants at the hospital were very helpful, but they can't get water from a stone. So far, I have had literally ONE drop of breastmilk come out of my body. I was so excited I almost cried. But I have talked to several doctors and lactation consultants who are all pretty pessimistic. As the pediatrician said, at this point the milk should have come in, and if it hasn't by now it's probably just not going to happen.
Our doctor has tried to allay my fears about the harm that could come to Daniel from not being breastfed, but I know that breastmilk is uncontroversially best for him. Moreover, I live in a community where it seems like good and responsible parents are ALWAYS expected to breastfeed, and it looks like I can't. I find that I have some pretty significant grief over this issue, and even a bit of shame, and I don't know how I will explain that we are formula feeding our child. I don't really want to discuss lactation with everyone I know, but it seems like everyone - even a random old guy at the dog park - thinks it's okay to ask me if I'm planning to nurse my kid.
In addition to really believing that breastmilk is best and my worries that Daniel is being deprived of something really important, I think all of this ties back to my issue with how other people that I like and respect will view me as a parent. This is positively idiotic. I'm normally not at all vulnerable in this way. I'm pretty good at realizing that my life has taken many non-traditional turns and that when I'm graceful about that, things go well. But I guess I don't like being complicated around the issue of parenting. I want what works for other people to work for me as well. Is this hormones too? Is this my unique little version of the baby blues? I'm deliriosly happy in every other way; but when I think about nursing I feel genuine grief.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Overview of Parenthood So-Far
We are really happy, and really tired. We went to the pediatrician for the first time yesterday. That was exciting. Daniel is still in perfect health. Rhett and I have developed a bizarre obsession with baby output. Rhett even carried along a soiled diaper in a zip-lock bag to have the doctor inspect.
Sleeping is hard, as we knew it would be. For the first two nights it hasn't been possible to put Daniel down and go to sleep ourselves, so we've been sleeping in shifts. One stays in the living room with Daniel and the other tries to sleep in the bedroom. The result is that we are both tired because neither of us sleeps all that well without the other. The doctor talked with us about ways that we can safely nap with him nestled in the crook of our arms, and at first I didn't think that would work, but we've tried it a couple of times for short naps and it seems to be going decently well. We wake up at the tiniest noise. Also, we have a bouncy seat that we tried putting him in for short periods last night and today, and that has gone surprisingly well. I say surprisingly because I figured that if he didn't like the co-sleeper, nothing would work.
I'm hoping we can get Daniel used to being worn in our Maya Wrap sling or in a Bjorn in the coming days. The Maya Wrap has met with mostly disgruntled results from Daniel, but I have benefited from it a great deal because I can't lift anything heavier than 10lbs (per discharge instructions, but also just the reality of having had major abdominal surgery and being weak and uncentered). Obviously, that's a problem,since Daniel was born at 10lbs and hasn't lost much weight at all -still weighs 9lbs, 6oz. For me to be able to feed myself, answer a phone, go to the bathroom, or anything else, I have to have some device to help me manage his weight. I think the Maya Wrap will take a little practice; fortunately we have a DVD from the company to help us get it right. We put Daniel in the Bjorn the day we came home, and I must say I feel like an idiot. He had just been circumcised about 8 hours before, and he screamed bloody murder. Dumb new parent mistake. Do not put baby's full weight onto his crotch immediately after operating on said crotch.
The joys are overwhelming. He is opening his eyes more and more often, and he works hard to take in and make sense of what he sees. His eyes are open about 30 min. total per day, and he is beautiful. Other joys are the sweet cooing noises, the little grunts he makes as he tries to nurse, and those gorgeously graceful tai-chi movements he makes with his arms,head, mouth, and legs. The arm and head movements are the coolest because I remember feeling them while he was upside down inside me.
Sleeping is hard, as we knew it would be. For the first two nights it hasn't been possible to put Daniel down and go to sleep ourselves, so we've been sleeping in shifts. One stays in the living room with Daniel and the other tries to sleep in the bedroom. The result is that we are both tired because neither of us sleeps all that well without the other. The doctor talked with us about ways that we can safely nap with him nestled in the crook of our arms, and at first I didn't think that would work, but we've tried it a couple of times for short naps and it seems to be going decently well. We wake up at the tiniest noise. Also, we have a bouncy seat that we tried putting him in for short periods last night and today, and that has gone surprisingly well. I say surprisingly because I figured that if he didn't like the co-sleeper, nothing would work.
I'm hoping we can get Daniel used to being worn in our Maya Wrap sling or in a Bjorn in the coming days. The Maya Wrap has met with mostly disgruntled results from Daniel, but I have benefited from it a great deal because I can't lift anything heavier than 10lbs (per discharge instructions, but also just the reality of having had major abdominal surgery and being weak and uncentered). Obviously, that's a problem,since Daniel was born at 10lbs and hasn't lost much weight at all -still weighs 9lbs, 6oz. For me to be able to feed myself, answer a phone, go to the bathroom, or anything else, I have to have some device to help me manage his weight. I think the Maya Wrap will take a little practice; fortunately we have a DVD from the company to help us get it right. We put Daniel in the Bjorn the day we came home, and I must say I feel like an idiot. He had just been circumcised about 8 hours before, and he screamed bloody murder. Dumb new parent mistake. Do not put baby's full weight onto his crotch immediately after operating on said crotch.
The joys are overwhelming. He is opening his eyes more and more often, and he works hard to take in and make sense of what he sees. His eyes are open about 30 min. total per day, and he is beautiful. Other joys are the sweet cooing noises, the little grunts he makes as he tries to nurse, and those gorgeously graceful tai-chi movements he makes with his arms,head, mouth, and legs. The arm and head movements are the coolest because I remember feeling them while he was upside down inside me.
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