I am trying very hard to breastfeed, but it isn't going very well, and this makes me sad. My milk has not come in at all, despite my spending lots of time on a pump and also using a supplemental nursing system to feed Daniel. He latches on pretty well I think, but has a hard time staying latched on. The lactation consultants at the hospital were very helpful, but they can't get water from a stone. So far, I have had literally ONE drop of breastmilk come out of my body. I was so excited I almost cried. But I have talked to several doctors and lactation consultants who are all pretty pessimistic. As the pediatrician said, at this point the milk should have come in, and if it hasn't by now it's probably just not going to happen.
Our doctor has tried to allay my fears about the harm that could come to Daniel from not being breastfed, but I know that breastmilk is uncontroversially best for him. Moreover, I live in a community where it seems like good and responsible parents are ALWAYS expected to breastfeed, and it looks like I can't. I find that I have some pretty significant grief over this issue, and even a bit of shame, and I don't know how I will explain that we are formula feeding our child. I don't really want to discuss lactation with everyone I know, but it seems like everyone - even a random old guy at the dog park - thinks it's okay to ask me if I'm planning to nurse my kid.
In addition to really believing that breastmilk is best and my worries that Daniel is being deprived of something really important, I think all of this ties back to my issue with how other people that I like and respect will view me as a parent. This is positively idiotic. I'm normally not at all vulnerable in this way. I'm pretty good at realizing that my life has taken many non-traditional turns and that when I'm graceful about that, things go well. But I guess I don't like being complicated around the issue of parenting. I want what works for other people to work for me as well. Is this hormones too? Is this my unique little version of the baby blues? I'm deliriosly happy in every other way; but when I think about nursing I feel genuine grief.
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I have been told for years that I will most likely have trouble getting pregnant and Chris and I have talked a lot about it and I think are as prepared as we can be for it. But I have told him that I will be devastated if I can't get pregnant. While we would totally go to adoption and that would be wonderful, I think I will really have a hard time grieving the loss of being pregnant and breastfeeding. Those things are just really important to me and it will be very difficult if I can't do them.
While everyone "knows" that it's not a woman's fault if she can't breastfeed, there is definitely a sort of blame placed on her anyway which is completely unfair. Just know you are doing the best you can for Daniel, and that's all you can do. And don't be ashamed to grieve over the loss of breastfeeding. Be proud that you have stuck with it and tried for so long, and give yourself permission to let it go.
PM, please call if you'd like to talk about this... I'd love to be supportive in any way I can, as you wrestle with both grief and shame. I'm sure glad your community is so breastfeeding-friendly, and sure sorry it makes this harder for you. I'm trying to think of the simplest thing to say to the random strangers - "No, I'm medically unable," with a nice bright smile, would be a good conversation-stopper, and should prevent you from being lectured (much)! ... Anyway, I'd love to talk, so get in touch if you want. Sorry, sorry this is hard on you.
I can't even reply to this. Too mad.
Please don't feel bad! And let yr husband slap anyone who gives you grief. It's none of their damn business.
P.S. This is tangentially related. Did you produce colustrum, either before or after birth? I've been leaking into my bra for over a month, so I'm wondering if that means I'm less likely to encounter problems, or not. Any sage advice?
I never did produce colostrum at all. I had surgery about ten years ago after which I was told that I likely would not be able to breastfeed; though I had remained optomistic. I just wasn't warned about the grief that would accompany my inability to breastfeed. I have read that it is very, very uncommon for women to be unable to produce milk. I doubt that you'll have any trouble at all. I think it really helps that you took the breastfeeding class, as well.
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